Written by Sophie Donaldson (Pictured right)
Having recently thought about my many drunken hook ups and tragic flings, I was unsure as to why my coloured sexual past hadn’t come back to haunt me, punishing me for not hooking up in the name of love. Media has long been fixated on the notion that for women, if your sexual motives aren’t traditional, you will likely end up in a mental institution begging for your virginity back, or if you’re unlucky enough to be Paris Hilton in the iconic film House of Wax, you will die in the first 10 minutes for being hot and having sex.
The punishment that never arrived remained elusive, until I read an article titled “Is it wrong to sleep with someone for the story?” by Karley Sciortino, author of the blog Slutever. The article is focused around a recent dry spell Sciortino is having, which she breaks by participating in a sweaty, drunken threesome. She describes the threesome as fairly grotesque, leaving her smelling of semen and cigars, however with sex being part of her identity, she feels more like herself again, even though her sexual experience does not paint a typical picture of “dignified” female sexuality.
This article gave me the tools to make sense of a time my friends and I got our kicks out of hooking up with skateboarders and guys who ignored us. The more ridiculous the decision, the better the story was. Sometimes we would have rewarding sex with these guys and other times they would say things like, “I used to wank over you in high school”. The point was, we didn’t buy into the fragile female sexuality trope and we understood that sex and sexuality weren’t linear. We were able to separate our intellect from our bodies. As jovial as we were, I was always secretly waiting for some moment of remorse. But the moment of remorse never arrived and I have enjoyed being both sexually explorative and monogamous, with neither experience negatively impacting the other.
It goes without saying that it is important to stay within the parameters of safety and comfort, whilst being mindful of other people’s feelings. However that should be where the warning ends. As women, we are led to believe that one shady sexual experience will hinder the rest of our fragile, sexual lives. Men are not taught to feel victimised by sex in the same way women are. Men are encouraged to experiment and develop. This sexual inequality can be a self-fulfilling prophecy for women, leading to empty guilt and loss of power. When I think about this inequality, I can’t move past the archaic precedent it sets, filtering down through different aspects of life.
One of the most important things we can teach young girls is that their sexuality is equal. I remember being 14, frantically playing snake on my Nokia 2280, waiting for a “Sup”. I didn’t know back then that it was up to me to validate myself. To all the 14-year-old girls out there, get grooving with yourselves. If you have the determination to contour your face, you have the power to do anything.
If you want to submit a think piece or story – in regards to feminism, sex, sexuality or being a millennial, email me at email@example.com
Sign up below for fortnightly newsletters with product launches, special deals and links to new articles on the blog.